Virgin Witch (1970)

Virgin Witch is held in quite high esteem in some circles (probably grubby ones in dirty macs with thinning hair and bad eyesight). It's probably got the highest tits-and-bums to running time ratio of any film on this site, and the bright lighting leaves very little of either Anne or Vicky Michelle's bodies unexplored, yet it's totally unerotic. It's certainly not a horror film - it's not even good porn. God only knows why anyone would want to watch it. I only watched it because I run this site, and I thought I ought to. How can you make a horror film with no scary bits, no blood, no plot, and very little acting?

What Virgin Witch actually is, is hilariously bad. Basically, Anne and Vicky are sisters Christine and Betty, who do a lot of hitch hiking and want to be models. Christine (Anne) goes to an audition (where she has to strip naked, of course), and gets the job. She takes her sister with her to the job - which is in Wychwold - near to the old Witches Ring (you know the place - just down the road from Wizard's Corner. Opposite the Hag and Cauldron Pub. Quite near Ducking Stool Lane. Opposite Bloody Obvious Place For A Coven To Be Hill. Next door to For Fuck's Sake The Place Is Crawling With Witches And You're Bound To Be Sucked Into All Manner Of Weird Goings-On Alley). Good job Christine is a latent witch, then.

Christine has her first photo shoot: "Take those jeans off... now the pants..."

"I thought this was supposed to be a cider ad?"

"This is the build-up... get 'em off!"

Meanwhile, Betty manages to get menaced by a variety of ugly blokes before finding a hidden room full of brassy crap, fainting, and waking up in the presence of Gerald, the owner of the manor house where the photo shoot is taking place (and Michael Parkinson look-alike).

"You are... I'm quite sure... a virgin" he tells her, looking suitably embarassed. He then has a quick perv at her taking a bath whilst Christine gets caught shagging the photographer (him fully clothed, her fully naked - of course).

Christine is asked if she wants to become a witch, which she does. The ceremony involves her being stripped naked (of course), oiled up (natch), and shagged by Gerald (his grandkids must be so proud), watched by practically the whole of the rest of the cast (who are also naked - urgh).

Christine is now a full witch, and the coven has designs on Betty. Christine could be worried about this (it's hard to be sure - she could be wondering what's for tea), but Betty's too-old boyfriend Johnny's definitely not happy. During Betty's induction ceremony he steals her away, and leaves Christine to fight to the death for control of the coven with chief lezzer Sybil. During the climactic scene there's even more pasty naked flesh on display (and some ridiculous dancing) - calls of "get 'em on!" from the audience. Then the film literally just fizzles out - the 90 minutes up, the pubic hair limit reached, the dirty old men in the flea pits spent.

Somone should have told the makers of this film that sometimes, less is more. Quite frankly, I'd challenge anyone to be turned on by the sight of Anne Michelle's cellulite-ridden arse, and as for the image of the elderly maid's naked breasts jiggling up and down, that is something that's going to stay with me for a long time. What a load of arse. Literally.

Last updated: February 27, 2010

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