“The roof! My one chance!”

Now, before we start the review of this film, let’s have a chat about long-forgotten musical duo Flotsam and Jetsam. “Flotsam and what?” you may well be asking, followed by a perfunctory “he’s really lost it this time, the meandering buffoon”.

But Flotsam and Jetsam it is, musical “let’s have a look at the news and make a supposedly funny song about it” duo they be, confused I was, and at the front of the film they most certainly are.

What they’re doing there is anyone’s guess, although “to pad out the short running time of the actual feature” may well be the answer. Their frankly over-long sub-Flanders and Swann schtick is finally, and mercifully, replaced on-screen by a bizarre BBC interview with the actual film’s star, lip-smacking, moustache-twirling, boo-hiss baddie Tod Slaughter, who talks about how many people he’s murdered in his previous films and is asked the question “is there any such thing as a ‘new old’ melodrama?”.

And finally, the actual story starts. And new old melodrama it certainly is. So yes, it is a thing, actually, mister BBC man.

Back in ye olden times a man with a spectacular top hat (Slaughter) is sketching a house. He is spotted and approached by a small child, and the fiend wastes no time in killing the precocious young man by snapping his spine. The child’s body is found by the house’s servants, and they all stand around looking distinctly un-bothered by the gruesome discovery, pointing at the off-screen body and describing what’s happened to it. Yup, the “Spine Breaker” has struck again.

The nefarious killer is meanwhile making his escape via carriage driven by a nefarious accomplice, the pair laughing nefariously. If you needed reminding, this is very much a new old melodrama. And as always appears to be the case in these things the killer is leading a remarkable double life. The Spine Breaker in his spare time, he is also Stephen Hawke, an apparently kindly, and infirm, money lender (like a new old melodrama Superman, he changes into his alter ego by removing his glasses).

Hawke’s office is next door to Joshua Trimble’s (DJ Williams), and the pair are old friends. Trimble’s son Matthew (Eric Portman) is in love with Hawke’s daughter Julia (Marjorie Taylor), and if you ask me, things probably aren’t going to end well (this being a new old melodrama and everything).

Hawke is holding a party for Julia and manages to engineer the attendance of Lord Brickhaven (George M Slater), wearing his priceless emerald. Of course, it’s not long before Brickhaven becomes victim to Hawke’s over-enthusiastic chiropracting, and despite the party’s host being blamed by the terrified man who invited the victim to the party, the accusation doesn’t stick (Hawke is just so nice, as far as everuyon else is concerned).

Meanwhile we’ve discovered that Matthew isn’t the only one with designs on Julia. The local cad, Archer (Gerald Barry), is also interested – but Hawke doesn’t want his daughter involved with someone who is clearly, even in this company, quite a piece of work. “Perhaps you would allow me to call on you one night alone… and we can get to grips with the matter.” Hawke tells Archer, with typically lip-smacking relish. “You’ll find me behind you.”

Next to get the old lower back attack is poor Joshua, who has begun to have his doubts about his seemingly infirm old friend, this murder having been prefaced by Hawke demonstrating his strength by crushing a statuette with his bare hands and announcing Joshua’s name direct to the camera.

This latest murder being a tad too close to home for Hawke, Matthew engineers a clever ruse to get the murderer to unmask himself, which Hawke falls for. The vengeful son then gives his father’s murderer a day’s head start (“for Julia’s sake”) before tracking him down to exact his revenge.

After some coincidence-based shenanigans at a country pub, the chase heads back to London, with Matthew, like a new old melodrama Terminator, constantly at a terrified Hawke’s heels.

Archer (remember him?), runs a prison which just so happens to have one of Hawke’s conspirators locked inside. He tortures the identity of the Spine Breaker out of the unfortunate man, then uses the information to blackmail Julia into marrying him. Hawke (understandably) isn’t happy about this, and breaks every spine he can to try and stop this happening, before a particularly satisfying end.

These new old melodramas show their age but are remarkably entertaining… Slaughter is good value (the transformation between the two sides of Hawke’s character is quite astonishing) and the short running time means they don’t outstay their welcome. Unless you’re the chap interviewing Slaughter in the bizarre intro and outro, who has either been put to sleep by the preceding 60 minutes or viciously murdered by his guest (it’s not exactly clear what they were going for).