“There are other ways of getting killed, you know… you could drown or die of pneumonia.”

The spin-off film from a short-lived ITV sitcom, Deadly Strangers chronicles the japes and scrapes got into by mismatched couple Stephen (Simon Ward) and Belle (Hayley Mills) as they are thrown together by circumstance and make their way across southern England on an improbably long road trip. Laugh with Belle as she manages to attract every sexual predator in the area (“Surely the next lone driver to pick me up won’t be as rapey as all the others?” she sighs, hopefully – big laughs!). Chuckle as Stephen manages to make a complete hash of hiding how he ‘acquired’ the car he claims is his own (“Oops – did I say I didn’t have any cigarettes or matches? What I meant to say was… erm… I’ve got loads and they’re all there, in the glove compartment of my car, which I definitely haven’t just stolen!”). Cheer as the film resurrects the beloved running joke from the series, where a young Belle’s horny uncle concocts ever-more-implausible ways of walking in on her while she’s in the bath! (“Oh, uncle… did that bang on the head make you forget the upstairs layout of the house… again?”).

Of course, this isn’t the case. Deadly Strangers may have the name of, and even certain themes, that could have featured in some kind of horrendously poorly conceived pre-watershed TV show from that era, but it is, in fact, a serious psychodrama. And when I say “serious psychodrama” I of course mean “unintentionally hilarious nonsense”.

Yes! Welcome to the mid 70s, where all lorry drivers are contractually obliged to force themselves on any female they meet, where all young girls are, of course, “asking for it”, and where drunk driving is a lifestyle choice (“there are other ways of getting killed, you know… you could drown or die of pneumonia”).

Before you can say “some nutter’s escaped from Greenwood”, some nutter has escaped from Greenwood (a mental hospital), attacking a nurse and guard in POV, like a shit 70s version of Call Of Duty. Is it Stephen, Belle, or one of the other people they meet on what is, it has to be said again, a remarkably lengthy tour of quite a small island nation? Well, despite the best efforts of the film makers, it’s clearly either Stephen or Belle. But which one? For some reason (I call “because plot”) the pronouns of said “nutter” are not revealed until the end, because, one assumes, that to yer average cinemagoer in 1975, nutter=bloke.

But does nutter=bloke? Well, that would be telling. And I’m not going to spoil what little interest this odd little tale might still be able to generate…

Suffice to say, our mismatched pair come with a certain amount of baggage between them (although not, as it happens, in the literal sense). Stephen has clearly stolen that nifty blue Austin 1100, comes with some serious anger issues, and is plagued by sexy thoughts. Belle is a conundrum and herself has flashback issues which suggest she has escaped a life of tragedy and abuse (see uncle-walks-in-on-naked-niece “joke”, above).

What’s more, everywhere they go people keep dying or getting badly hurt (either by an unseen assailant or by the couple themselves as they avoid the rapists Belle is a beacon for). Eventually the couple part ways, as Stephen wakes up after a night in the car (told you this was an improbably long road trip across the UK) to find Belle has gone and assumes she’s run away (“Bitch!”). She hasn’t, she’d just nipped to the shops for some food, but she sees him rage-drive past and decides to make her own way, finally managing to get a lift with the only man on the roads in 1975 who doesn’t have a permanent stiffy and an axe to grind against people in mini-skirts. This is Malcolm Robarts (genuine Hollywood star Sterling Hayden), an American with a way with florid prose and a remarkable beard, who enters the story as potential nutter no. 3. For a bit. Until it’s clearly not him.

Stephen has appeared back on the scene and is chasing Belle and her kindly American chum. The shenanigans continue, with Belle ending up back with Stephen, and Robarts realising one of the pair=nutter and giving chase himself, but losing them.

The world is closing in, too – one of them, either Stephen or Belle, is featuring photo-wise on the front of the national papers. Unaware, they hole up in a handy hotel – and flashbacks and the present day collide in an almost effectively horrible way.

Never heard of Deadly Strangers? You’re not alone. Typical of its ilk, it languishes in the mediocre world of the not-really-horror, nasty-pretty-boy, Hayley-Mills-thriller Brit horror bargain bin. Everyone involved gives it some beans performance-wise and it’s not without merit – but would have perhaps benefited from an American setting. Either they were going around in circles or those Austin 1100s were even slower than everyone says they were, because it doesn’t take several days to get anywhere in the UK.