Just Good Fiends
This made me chuckle, so I thought I’d share it with you. When the site was winding down a decade or so ago (through lack of interest on my part, it has to be said), I continued with some half-hearted viewings of old British horror films and completed some lacklustre, half-done reviews. All of which I recently unearthed on my old PC.
Most are not worth sharing… they don’t go anywhere and certainly wouldn’t offer the casual reader any great insight into the films.
But this one caught my eye, which is the preamble to an unwritten review of the Frank Langella version of Dracula from 1979. A well-regarded film, it has to be said… and one I’ll need to track down again before offering a proper review.
Me being me, what happened was rather than remarking on the gothic sets, the interesting choice of locations, or casting of Laurence Olivier, I’d spotted that Mina Harker was played by Jan Francis – who of course was Penny in the 80s sitcom Just Good Friends.
So I ran with it, and this was the result. Like I said, it made me chuckle. But it’ll probably help if you know what Just Good Friends was!
You know what I’d like to see? A remake of Just Good Friends, the hugely popular at the time, now totally forgotten, romantic class-driven sitcom from the mid 80s. You remember the one – bouffant-haired wide-boy chancer Vince walks out on his buttoned-up “posh bird” fiancée Penny on their wedding day. Many years later the pair meet up, leading to much will-they-won’t-they shenanigans as week after week they bicker and set fire to plastic fake cigarettes. The best bit of each episode was not the oft repeated “accountant / actually a turf accountant” joke, but the little bit after the end of the end credits, where writer John Sullivan would throw in a little twist-in-the-tale to wrong-foot the audience, leading to a plaintive reprise of the theme tune. To be honest, this was far and away the best bit – and not something you tend to see in sitcoms these days.
Penny (Jan Francis) appears in this otherwise star-studded version of Dracula – and let us just ponder how much better it could have been if they’d given Bram Stoker’s tale the Just Good Friends treatment…
Mina is sitting in a Transylvanian bar. In walks Dracula. He does a double take when he sees her at the table, orders a drink from the terrified landlord and walks over.
Dracula: “Alright, Min?”
The colour drains from her face as she recognises the voice.
Mina: “Vlad. I should have realised it was you when I heard footsteps behind me but couldn’t see anyone reflected in that mirror.”
(Canned laughter)
Dracula: “How have you been?”
Mina: “Oh, fine. No thanks to you, you bastard.”
(Canned laughter)
Dracula (sitting down at her table): “That’s a bit harsh, Min.”
Mina: “Harsh? You left me on my wedding day!”
Dracula: “Oh, that. I thought you might have forgotten by now.”
(Canned laughter)
Mina: “Forgotten? You killed my sister and then ran off with her as your undead bride! You don’t forget something like that in a hurry!”
Dracula (cheeky smile): “Well, I’m only inhuman, Min.”
(Canned laughter)
The episode continues in the bar, with much arguing and unspoken sexual tension, including a joke about Dracula claiming to be in the import/export business, when in fact he only transports his own coffin. Dracula is desperate to prove to Mina he’s a changed man. Finally she walks out. Dracula walks over to the bar and says: “Now, how about that drink?”
The theme music starts.
What would you say, if I told you we, could never change and
We’d find a way, to stay the same, across the aeons?
Meanwhile, out in the car park, Mina realises she’s left her keys behind. She walks back into the bar. The place is a blood bath. Bodies lie everywhere with their throats gouged out. In the centre of it all is a gore-soaked Dracula. She looks shocked. He shrugs his shoulders and gives her a cheeky smile. She visibly softens slightly.
Tinkly musical reprise
Just me, then? Of course, if you’re not a fan of the Just Good Friends idea, I could always go with Shoestring…
Alright, Pen?
