“You will have a baby - a monster, an evil monster conceived in your womb as big as I am small and possessed by the devil himself!”

There are some films that just defy description. Many of them are featured on these very pages. I Don't Want To Be Born ranks very highly among them, and is, sadly, not one of the things Joan Collins tends to remember when she's delivering stories of her career (as entertaining as they always are). 

This film is, it has to be said, bonkers. And unlike Horror Hospital, it appears it was made completely straight-faced. Quite how unbelievable that statement is can only be appreciated when the film is watched. 

Joan gives sweaty birth over the opening credits, and by the time the pristine baby is delivered to her arms, she's perfectly made-up again. This inconsistency obviously angers the young mite, who immediately takes a swipe at mum.

Enter husband Ralph Bates and his comedy Italian accent, seemingly there for no reason other than he fancied playing an Italian in this one.

Joan is, it appears, London's poshest stripper (also resolutely not stripping in this film), and has been cursed by her dancing partner, a not-very-friendly dwarf. However, for reasons of plot expediency, she's conveniently forgotten this for a while as her offspring proceeds to lay waste to his nursery, gouge chunks out of well-wishers, and eventually murder several people. Much blood-letting is of course cut with images of the baby smiling sweetly in its cot, instantly vapourising any possible frissions of horror hapless director Peter Sasdy was trying to build up. 

There's brutal killings galore, including drownings, hangings, a spectacular beheading and a comedy sweaty dwarf heart-attack that seems to go on forever. Plus you get to see a (dubbed) Caroline Munro and hear some fantastically bad dialogue.

And where else can you possibly see a film which not only stars Miss Collins and Ralph, but also Donald Pleasance and Play School favourite Floella Benjamin?