“I thought this was supposed to be a cider ad?”

Virgin Witch has probably got the highest boobs-and-bums-to-running-time ratio of any film on this site, and the bright lighting leaves very little of either Anne or Vicky Michelle's bodies unexplored.

Yet it's strangely unerotic. The only thing it has less of than that, is horror. 

Anne and Vicky are sisters Christine and Betty, who do a lot of hitch hiking and want to be models. Christine (Anne) goes to an audition (where she has to strip naked, of course), and gets the job. She takes her sister with her to a place called Wychwold - “near to the old Witches Ring” (you know the place - just down the road from Wizard's Corner. Opposite the Hag and Cauldron Pub. Quite near Ducking Stool Lane. Opposite Obvious Place For A Coven To Be Hill. Next door to The Place Is Crawling With Witches And You're Bound To Be Sucked Into All Manner Of Weird Goings-On Alley).

Given this unsubtle signposting (just the first bit, the bracketed bits are all mine, for comic effect), it’s possibly a good thing that Christine is a latent witch.

Christine has her first photo shoot: "Take those jeans off... now the pants..."

"I thought this was supposed to be a cider ad?"

"This is the build-up... get 'em off!"

(It would be wrong of me to make a joke about the photographer wanting to be “in cider” here, wouldn’t it? I’m also stopping before I start with the “core blimeys”, “fizzical examinations”, or something hilarious about jazz apples. To be honest, insert your own apple jokes here, it’s a shame the film makers didn’t think to)

Meanwhile, Betty manages to get menaced by a variety of local chaps before finding a hidden room full of brassy antiques, fainting, and waking up in the presence of Gerald, the owner of the manor house where the photo shoot is taking place (and potential Michael Parkinson look-alike).

"You are... I'm quite sure... a virgin" he tells her, looking suitably embarassed. He then has a quick perv at her taking a bath whilst Christine gets caught having sex with the photographer (him fully clothed, her fully naked - of course).

Christine is asked if she wants to become a witch, which she does. The ceremony involves her being stripped naked (of course), oiled up (natch), and rubbed up against by an equally unclothed Gerald, watched by practically the whole of the rest of the cast (who are also naked).

Christine is now a full witch, and the coven has designs on Betty. Christine could be worried about this (it's hard to be sure - she could be wondering what's for tea), but Betty's boyfriend Johnny is definitely not happy. During Betty's induction ceremony he steals her away, and leaves Christine to fight to the death for control of the coven with chief witch Sybil. During the climactic scene there's even more naked flesh on display (and some ridiculous dancing). Then the film literally just fizzles out - the 90 minutes up.