“I don’t know anymore what’s true and what isn’t!”

It’s all smiles, splashing and sunlight glinting off the water as two attractive young German people do what Germans do best and run around a forest in the nuddy. But never mind the frolics – here’s the sex buzzkill, as no sooner have they got down to the saucy stuff than the male part of this menage-a-zwei is killed by an unseen something-or-other (it’s a spider, I don’t think that’s much of a spoiler).

We’re immediately transported to present (1971) day – you can tell because we’ve gone from monochrome-with-green-filter to full-on Technicolor – where a very 1971-looking young man is painting the forest (as in drawing it, not literally slapping paint on the trees). We now get confirmation that indeed, some time has passed – because he spots the girl from scene one (Neda Arneric), sporting longer hair and some clothing. He checks out a scar on her shoulder, which looks for all the world exactly like a spider, and tries to take her photo, but she runs off into the forest. This being the kind of film where complete strangers do stuff like this - he gives chase, but loses her.

Our hero with the dubious approach to meeting the ladies (take photo without asking, chase after them when they react badly to this infringement of their privacy… what’s her problem?) is Paul Greville (Simon Brent), a British artist staying in a nearby hotel.

Back at the hotel, Paul finds himself targeted by Ellen (Sheila Allen), the daughter of local bigwig Herr Huber (Gerard Heinz), who (at her father’s request, urgh) treats Paul to some extremely energetic German hospitality as a pretext to checking out the photos he’s been taking.

But Paul really only has eyes for the girl with the spider tattoo (sorry, scar). And later he either sees or dreams (it’s not clear) the object of his affection running through the forest (again), killing some bloke and uncovering a lost painting by Hieronymus Bosch. He also finds one of his camera films, which when held up to the light, now contains an image of… a spider! Which is okay if it’s a dream, but shows a remarkable lack of understanding of how camera film works if it isn’t.

At this stage I should point out that despite all the nonsense happening on-screen (with it about to get even more nonsensey) this is a very pretty film indeed. Every scene looks like a painting (although think more Bob Ross than Hieronymus Bosch) and its real German setting (as opposed to Hammer’s “any old forest will do” approach) really sets it apart from others of its ilk.

Anyway…

Back at the hotel, the landlord tells Paul: “Zis place is alive with stories and legends… who is to know what is real and what isn’t?” adding that if he were Paul, he wouldn’t go looking for the girl with the spider mark. Advice randy old Paul is in no mood to listen to.

Now then, you might be wondering where all the Nazis are, this being a British film set in Germany just 25 years after the end of the war. And with suggestions of stolen artworks and strange experiments. Not to mention a surfeit of fancy jackets and lederhosen.

Well, wonder no more, because we’ve not yet mentioned Johann (Derek Newark), Huber’s chief henchman, who has a look of someone who’s just parked his Tiger Tank round back and popped into the hotel for a quick pint and some race hate. Johann is already unhappy with Paul for taking advantage of Ellen’s loose morals (which was hardly Paul’s fault). And the cheeky Aryan scallywag appears to have designs on the spider girl, too.

So when Paul tracks her down again (told you he was in no mood to listen), up pops Johann for a pond-based fight with the spider girl (during which she’s clearly stifling the giggles) that leaves her summer dress in an extremely precarious state, boob-wise.

Anna is saved by Paul and runs off – again (ungrateful, much?) and Paul, now being literally hounded (by hunters with hounds) comes across a forest-based logging operation run by none other than Herr Huber.

Huber tells him that the forest is full of spiders that are immune to pesticides and feed on human blood, and that there’s a lot of superstition around the “spider god” (can’t think why).

Now then, if you’re reading this and getting a tad bored of all the “people run around the forest until someone else pops up and says something, and then they run off again” shenanigans, you should try watching the thing. It is a tad repetitive.

And, guess what? Paul finds the spider girl AGAIN and this time discovers her name is Anna, so that at least is a step forward in their relationship. She invites him to her home (not got her address, Paul? Don’t worry – she’s on the web - ithankyew), with the somewhat less-than inviting: “People are afraid of me… they say I’m dangerous. If anybody touches me, the spiders come.”

Which deserves an “oo-er” at the very least. No?

They snog, Anna gets a flashback to the beginning of the film, but this time she saves her snoggee from the approaching spider. Unfortunately, she can’t protect him from Johann and his goons, who pop out of the forest, intent on a rumble. Paul faces them down, Anna scarpers again, (seriously, woman?), Paul inevitably loses the fight, and finds himself staked out for the spiders.

Luckily, here comes Ellen, riding to the rescue like a Teutonic Princess Anne.

If you’re thinking that this all sounds a bit confusing… try watching the thing. It’s an experience where you basically think you’ve got a handle on what’s supposed to be happening, but in order to do this you really have to just ignore anything like character motivation or story logic. Basically – Anna is a spider girl. Paul is in love with her, for absolutely no reason we can see. Nazis are up to no good, possibly involving stolen paintings – and are probably responsible for all the deadly spiders. That’s pretty much all we need to know.

From now on things move from baffling to batshit-crazy-baffling. Huber gets fed into one of the automated saws in his mill, possibly by Anna. We find out Anna’s “home” is a Nazi spider laboratory. Paul may or may not only be interested in Anna because he’s actually after the valuable paintings. Citroen 2CVs are not bullet-proof (to be fair, we probably all already knew that). And everyone seems unable to move away from the killer spiders which, due to this being a film made in 1971, can only… move… really… slowly.

In the end, everything explodes (hey, we may be in Germany, but this is still a British horror film – and that’s what happens old chap) and nearly everyone dies.

Beautiful to look at, utterly bewildering, and occasionally a bit boring, Venom is a real oddity.